Getting all soppy

Do straight jackets come in black? I don’t have shoes to go with the white ones… and if the status quo does not change I will have to resolve this fashion dilemma very soon.

I have reached the point where saying I am “colorful” (the kind of colorful that responds well to medication) no longer adequately describes my personality disorders. I have graduated to a level of delirium that scares me shitless…I am becoming a definite danger to society and I have decided to institutionalise myself before I am completely devoured by the nauseating epidemic that is GIRLIENESS!!! Yes dear readers I have been stricken by the plague and I believe that only two of my personalities have survived the infection. It is in the interest of survival that Me and I are waving the white flag of surrender… 

I am still hoping that its just a passing phase but hope grows weaker with every passing romantic comedy…

Yes I watch those now, by choice I’ll have you know…two this week in fact… and they dont help the situation at all… in fact they aggravate the infection by nurturing consumerist, Hollywood ideas of charming men who’s quircks excite you rather that make you want to strangle him, Travolta types who will take you dancing and who don’t need a stiff rum to develop the slightest bit of rhythm. 

All the girls are pretty and skinny regardless of what they eat. They don’t have bad hair days. They never have lipstick on their teeth and they can spend whole days in lacy bras and suspenders without the slightest hint of chafing.

In movies nobody has morning breath or bed hair… all the guys have shoulders braugd enough to sleep on and they watch you when you sleep instead farting under the covers.

Naturally the sex is great… there is no shuffling around or uncomfortable moments, and definitely no lube, everything seems to naturally know where it fits and slips in without any guidance.

However these movies always seem to end when the guy gets the girl or unrequited love becomes requited or when, despite all the hardship and obstacles this fickle world placed in their path, the couple finally see their love for one another.

Love triumphs over everything in the movies, but in real life the Hollywood happy ending is the beginning of the hard work…

Movies make you delusional… you imagine that guy meets girl, girl marries guy…we all lived happily ever after is forever so when reality kicks in you believe that you have fallen out of love and go looking for the grass on the other side of the fence.

In two years the tingly sensation in the small of your back is barely memorable… the butterflies in the pit of your tummy have died, and you no longer get goose bumps when he touches you.., hes seen you pick up weight and lose weight, hes seen you get sick and brush your teeth, he knows what you look like without your makeup and knows you wear cotton panties and go without shaving your legs for three days in the winter… now your cute, when you used to be sexy.

And getting turned on is no longer a question of stolen touches in a crowd or slight glances out of the corner of your eye. Its precise timing… between work and gym and friends and whatever other time consuming activity that fills your day… its an art of juggling more props and toys than the likes of ben hur have never seen. finally you settle for light porn or give up all together.

You no longer concern yourself with what your  going to wear for when he comes around… rather you fret about what the future may hold, do you want kids some day and why the fuck dogs are easier to train then men, not to mention the fact that dogs are better listeners, come when you call them, and are a right fair bit tidier.

At some point you make a sorry attempt at getting the glory days back. wanting to feel the excitement of the chase again you pretend to build new memories and put your face on for him again. he spoils you a bit half heatedly you go on dates….but it never feels the same.

So you pack up your things and run… just to start the whole thing over and over again… why because Love is supposed to be beautifully and exciting.

I should really start wrapping this bitter monologue up soon.

Okay getting back to my phase, my sudden flood of girlieness… despite the fact that I am well aware of the way life works and that the complacency is normal I long for the chase, the touchy feely bit of a relationship, the exhilaration of the courtship.

I am all starry eyed and short of gauging out my cornea I don’t know what to do. I am sure it will pass but this is my blog and I reserve the right to vent.

Dont worry I am not planning on dumping Stiffla… and I doubt that he is feeling the same way… he has only recently realised that hes in a relationship…The complement will reach him soon though… only I believe that he may sooth himself with a PC game or some other expensive toy.

It is in light of this that I henceforth embark on a boycott against chickflicks or anything with a happy ending.







~ by nosjunkie on May 5, 2008.

3 Responses to “Getting all soppy”

  1. mwhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha
    that’s funny right there
    good one lee
    i’ve missed you 😉

  2. that made me giggle and worry about you all at the same time!
    happy endings take work indeed… and i always try to think- when i get all girlified that is- that hopefully there’ll be no ending.

  3. haha…when you start thinking of turning your bedroom into a pink princess fairyland, i’ll worry about you.

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